Now Playing Tracks

The qualities that make up an abusive man are like the ingredients in a recipe: The basics are always present, but the relative amounts very greatly. One man may be so severely controlling that his partner can’t make a move without checking with him first, and yet, oddly, he contributes substantially to the domestic work and child care. Another man may allow his partner to come and go as she pleases, even accepting her friendships with men, but there is hell to pay if she fails to wait on him hand and foot, or if she makes the mistake of asking him to clean up after himself. Still other abusers are less overtly controlling and entitled than either of these men but mind-twisting in the severity of their manipulations.

The tactics and attitudes of an abuser can vary from country to country, from ethnic group to ethnic group, from rich man to poor man. Abusers from each culture have their special areas of control or cruelty. Middle class white abusers, for example, tend to have strict rules about how a woman is allowed to argue. If she talks back to him, shows anger, or doesn’t shut up when she is told to, he is likely to make her pay. My clients from Latin American cultures typically permit their partners to be more forceful and “mouthy” in a conflict than my white clients but can be highly retaliatory if their partners give any attention to another male. Abusers select the pieces of turf they wish to stake out, influenced in those choices by their particular culture and background. Each woman who is involved with an abusive or controlling man has to deal with his unique blend of tactics and attitudes, his particular rhythm of good times and bad times, and his specific way of presenting to the outside world. No one should ever tell an abused woman, “I know just what you’re going through,” because the experience of each woman is different.

Viewed from another angle, however, abuse doesn’t vary that much. One man uses a little more of one ingredient and a little less of the other, but the overall flavor of the mistreatment has core similarities: assaults on the woman’s self-esteem, controlling behavior, undermining her independence, disrespect. Each abused woman has times of feeling that a riptide is dragging her under the sea, and she struggles for air. Confusion has been a part of the experience of almost every one of the hundreds abused women I have spoken with. Whether because of the abuser’s manipulativeness, his popularity, or simply the mind-bending contrast between his professions of love and his vicious psychological or physical assaults, every abused woman finds herself fighting to make sense of what is happening.

Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (via seebster)

Key Points to Remember [About Abuse]

* Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control.

* Abuse and respect are opposites. Abusers cannot change unless they overcome their core of disrespect toward their partners.

* Abusers are far more conscious of what they are doing than they appear to be. However, even their less-conscious behaviors are driven by their core attitudes.

* Abusers are unwilling to be nonabusive, not unable. They do not want to give up power and control.

* You are not [making it up]. Trust your perceptions of how your abusive partner treats you and thinks about you.

Why Does He Do That? - Lundy Bancroft (75)

just started this book yesterday, finally. I’m sure I will be posting more excerpts in the coming days.

(via redflagarchives)

An abusive man is not unable to resolve conflicts nonabusively; he is unwilling to do so. The skill deficits of abusers have been the subject of a number of research studies, and the results lead to the following conclusion: Abusers have normal abilities in conflict resolution, communication, and assertiveness when they choose to use them. They typically get through tense situations at work without threatening anyone; they manage their stress without exploding when they spend Thanksgiving with their parents; they share openly with their siblings regarding their sadness over a grandparent’s death. But they don’t want to handle these kinds of issues nonabusively when it involves their partners. You can equip an abuser with the most innovative, New Age skills for expressing his deep emotions, listening actively, and using win-win bargaining, and then he will go home and continue abusing.
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (via seebster)
ABUSIVE MEN COME in every personality type, arise from good childhoods and bad ones, are macho men or gentle, “liberated” men. No psychological test can distinguish an abusive man from a respectful one. Abusiveness is not a product of a man’s emotional injuries or of deficits in his skills. In reality, abuse springs from a man’s early cultural training, his key male role models, and his peer influences. In other words, abuse is a problem of values, not of psychology.
Why Does He Do That byLundy Bancroft (via fauxcyborg)

The abusive man’s problem with anger is almost the opposite of what is commonly believed. The reality is:

Your abusive partner doesn’t have a problem with HIS anger; he has a problem with YOUR anger.

One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you —as will happen to any abused woman from time to time —he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straightjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.

Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (via queeringmisogyny)

The Warning Signs Of Abuse


  • He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners
  • He is disrespectful towards you
  • He does favors for you that you don’t want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you feel uncomfortable
  • He is controlling
  • He is possessive
  • Nothing is ever his fault
  • He is self-centered
  • He abuses drugs or alcohol
  • He pressures you for sex
  • He gets serious too quickly about the relationship
  • He intimidates you when he’s angry
  • He has double standards
  • He has negative attitudes towards women
  • He treats you differently around other people
  • He appears to be attracted to vulnerability

Taken from Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Please pass this around and stay safe. Recognize when you’re being treated poorly and understand that you deserve so much better than that.

I can not emphasize enough how important the book Why Does He Do That? was to me. If you have had any dealings with manipulative or abusive people that have left you confused and doubting yourself I suggest you read this book.

After eating with @ssheikh at Lost Lake in #seattle last week I have been trying to perfect their rosary potatoes. I’ve resorted to rubbing all the potatoes with olive oil and salt with lots and lots if rosemary from the yard and doing the same with beets. Then throwing them all in my cauldron with the top on in the oven for a long time. Yum! #cauldronEnvy

To Tumblr, Love Pixel Union